Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Moses and...Aaron?

Sorry this took so long. I've been so tired these last few days...going to the beach and playing with kids literally all day long is truly exhausting.
Some of you may know the struggle i have been having with trust lately in God about my future and Him providing. I'm not exactly sure why, but i still doubt even after he provides for me time and time again. Not that i am fake, but i think that whenever people ask me my immediate response is that God will provide, but i myself haven't really been believing it. While at Bongolo we had basically the entire time to pray, but i found myself worrying instead of praying. I wasn't even thinking about this summer, which was the initial purpose of the trip, but instead i was worrying about what next year looked like, what 5 years down the road looked like, maybe i could get a car, what job i was going to get while at school. All these things were racing in my head and heart and i knew that i shouldn't be thinking about it. I know God will provide, but at this point, it wasn't even head knowledge anymore. I convinced myself i needed to grow up and be practical about life. How would i ever be successful in anything if i didn't start to grow up. I even picked Joe and Joy's brain about what i would do with the kind of degree i am getting. If full time missions really isn't what God is calling me to, then why on earth am i wasting my money with this degree? In the midst of worrying about all of this, i was losing sight of God's plan for this summer. After all he PROVIDED the funds for me to come here. He gave me 900 dollars at the car wash for goodness sake! Why was this a problem, this isn't like me! In God's grace and his timing two nights ago the Internet wasn't working well and i was getting frustrated, just wanting a break from thinking! My brain hurt and my heart was turning doubtful from all the worrying i was doing. I wanted to come home. Not in the way of oh i miss home, but its different being in a foreign country dealing with decisions that effect my life back in the states. I missed the control of just being able to call Nyack and ask about my bill, or being able to see or hold something physical in my hand, look up numbers, look for a job...the control of my life is really out of my hands here. I have no idea what this semester is going to look like. On top of that, my best friend isn't here to bounce my ideas off of. So this kind of intertwines with the last post. It's Sunday night and i have been thinking about it all day, we went to the beach and just chilled because its Sunday :). We come home and my computer still wasn't working so i fixed that, and then when i finally fixed it the Internet wouldn't connect and at this point i just wanted to call meg and completely unload like i have done for so long and have our talks about life way deep into the night, or just laugh about how crazy we are. There is just something about a best friend...anyway so in God's timing and his grace he gave me Jen and Ty to talk to while i was having a little panic moment which was SO beyond wonderful. Jens encouraging "missions in the states" and "maturing" convo was so reassuring and just what i needed to hear, and Ty's reminder of everything i have said, his love and support were overwhelmingly helpful. The mixture of the two was something amazing and i felt SO much better afterward. So with that being said...seems now like just a long story...i am back to normal and i found out also that i will only be paying 1700 for school next...YEAR....so that is a HUGE praise! So the whole letting Satan get a foothold last week and letting my guard down CAN NOT become a regular thing. It really messes you up! So needless to say, I'm chill again. haha and i am slowly learning that God provides what we need. I love it.
Now with what God has been teaching me through his word. I am going to do a little hop skip and a jump to exodus because i am loving moses right now. He is pretty much my hero because he was such a screw up but his love for God was just insane. (side note on forgiveness...sometimes we are a little to hard on people...we "follow" moses' example and view him as this great guy...lets not forget that he was a murderer...God redeemed him, so when you don't have hope that someone will come out of that stage or that they will never change, just remember, Moses killed a guy...just throwing that out there for my own sake). So there is this burning bush incident in Exodus where God meets Moses. Now Moses was living in Midian with this wife and father-in-law (also a pretty cool guy..one of my favs in the bible), and so he went from living this high Egyptian prince life to being a Shepard. A very big change in roles as far as lifestyle is concerned. Mathew Henry, and i cant find it where i read it, but i promise its in there, but he talks about those roles and how Moses must have calmed down as a person and in his personality. He came from being confident in who he was, because of his royalty, and then being humbled because he fled to Midian and became a shepherd. So the burning bush happened and at the end he tells God that he cant speak in public and God does the whole didn't I make you who you are Moses stop whining and complain. This is the part that always seems to be forgotten in the children's books and the best movie ever Prince of Egypt. When God says ok Moses you can do this because the power is coming from me and Moses still is basically like nope God, I cant...God doesn't give him a little pep talk of encouragement...he gets frustrated...he gets mad and says fine...Aaron is good at speaking in public, I will tell you what to tell Him and then my work will be done!
Now I am not condoning or justifying our unwillingness to God's call on our life, but for some reason it happened this way. God didn't just let Moses go out there with nothing and what have you, he provided for his need. Moses sucked at speaking, so God gave him Aaron. We forget about that so often, or at least I do, and we get caught up in the thinking of we can do everything ourselves because we have the power of the living God, and although that's true and I'm not diminishing that at all, the lesson here is crucial for us to learn. Its ok to be scared and ask for help, and when that help comes, don't think that its not from God. Its important for us to allow God to move in that sort of way, and I'm not necessarily speaking about a pride thing, but more of a fear and lack of faith in provision way. I am learning about trust, hope and reckless abandon, so in this I see
1.Trust in God to provide, regardless to how we think it should look.
2.Hope in God and God alone because only he can provide the true supplies we need for our situation
In the end God received the glory and everything worked out for Moses. They made it out of Egypt. (and what the Israelites did was their own fault...not that I would have done any better because honestly I would have done so much worse) God spoke through Moses via another outlet. Just thought that was a cool way to look at it. :) Dinner time...but I don't think I have much more to say...hmmm...nope.
Have a gooood week :).

3 comments:

  1. Without God I am nothing but a failure running into dead ends! Don't worry Peter talked to Dad! He said he'll work it out! Just take one year at a time! God has blessed you with so many people that love you and support you no matter where you are! Besides it's normal to be thinking all those thoughts at this time in your life! We are praying for you pooks and thanks for being such an inspiration in our lives and for pointing out Moses was a murderer.I feel so much better now !!!!

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  2. My dear you are your own greatest testimony! Arrive at conclusions not decisions when you are stressed. And remember whatever the Lord orders he pays for. If he can send you to Africa, Nyack is easy. :-) The battle for the heart begins in the mind. So let the Lord continue to transform both as you walk through the open doors he has provided, is providing even now and will continue to provide in the time to come.

    Love, your future mom-in-law

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  3. Praying for you always... sometimes God's timing is just so different from what we *think* His timing should be. I'm still learning this one. Everything will fall into place; just trust Him and hold onto your faith. Hang in there! Everyone hits those little faith snags at times... you bounced back right quick too. When I go there... I tend to get mired down for a bit.

    Praying, praying, praying!

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